Ruffled Feathers #26

Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers

Well here we are, the beginning of spring. And I can tell you from my dark corner armchair hidden away in the library: Sunshine makes people crazy. Since the Madness Orb decided to show its face from behind the clouds, people are laughing louder and more often. People walk slower to take in the heat, blocking traffic for fish-pale writers sprinting to a nookie session. The flirting becomes constant. Everywhere you go. To the point where you have to say, “Fellas, please! I’m not Belle du Jour!” Yeah, I hate spring. But it’s an excuse to wear a dress without a bra, so I cope.

Send your sex and relationship questions to I’m not a counselor or doctor, but I am the girl whose purse contains the mints, lube, condoms, and post-coital blueberry scone.

My boyfriend is completely insecure about his sex technique. He keeps asking me, “Is this right?” “Is this right?” Right in the middle of having sex! It drives me crazy. I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t at least somewhat good in bed. This insecurity makes me not want to have sex with him. Why the fuck does he doubt himself?? —Tired of Answering

Because college boys watch too much porn.  A lot of men feel very insecure about their own sexual techniques because they’ve been exposed to images of guys routinely pleasing women to ecstasy (which is bullshit, porn actors are acting. They’re not always pleased to ecstasy by a cowboy position being done by a hairless dude). Porn can mess with men’s heads just as much as women’s.

However, your boyfriend is getting to the obnoxious level of insecurity. If you’ve reassured him that he’s fine the way he is,  and that you still enjoy having  sex with him, and you’ve done this many many times, then you’ve pretty much done your part, Tired. Some people don’t really want to solve their problems. They just want to whine and moan about them. Because problems get you sympathy, which can give you a false sense of self-esteem. Your boyfriend may be intimidated by your own sexual skill, and might be looking for reassurance in a really pathetic way. But in any case, you can’t fix him 100 percent. If he doesn’t stop his pleas for reassurance, or at least start seeking help from other (perhaps more professional) sources, leave. You’re his girlfriend, not his babysitter.

My roommate found my porn stash, and I think he’s actually been using it to get off, too! What do I say to him? —That’s My Smut

You don’t say anything. Hide it in a better spot, dumbass.

My girlfriend’s on her period, and she still wants me to eat her out. How on earth do I do that?? It smells so weird down there, and it just seems gross and disgusting. I can’t tell her no. I’d feel like a wuss. What do I do? —May Need a Helmet

Ah, period sex. The classic testing ground of a long-term relationship. First of all, you’re not a complete wuss for being scared to go down there, Helmet. That time of the month completely resets everything about a woman. Everything is completely different than usual. Except of course, the fact that she’s a sexual being. Helmet, this could be a great chance to strengthen the sexual bond between you and your girlfriend. She would be able to see just how committed you are to her, and how much you’re willing to sacrifice to make her happy. I’d seriously consider taking the plunge.

But I do have to say: If your gut just keeps saying no, and you don’t see any situation where you could warm up to the idea (even just purely out of love), then don’t do it. There is such a thing as being too accommodating. And you’re the one you have to live with at the end of the day.

Nina, I have a practical question: What can you eat off of your partner? I want to start eating things off my partner, but we need some ideas. Whipped cream seems like such a cliché. We can do better! —Ladies With A Pantry

Ladies, you’re right. Whipped cream is a fucking awful cliché, and should be improved upon.

Here are some of my ideas (be careful if one partner’s diabetic): Mushed up bananas. Honey (caution, it crystallizes). Ice cubes. Pancake batter. Nutella. Fruit preserves. Fruit gelatin. Frosting. Sushi. If you’re really clever, cappuccino foam. Sticky rice. Gravy. Do you see my point here? You gotta find your own signature food. And then indulge (bad pun, I know) into you and your partner’s newfound inside joke.



What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: Call her the “Call Girl With A Megaphone.” Melissa Petro of New York lost her job as an elementary school teacher last month because her past occupation as a call girl was discovered by the media. But what’s interesting about the whole story is that this lady hadn’t been hiding it under a pillow. She actually wrote about the subject of being a sex worker while actually doing her job, trying to “[make] sense of [her] chosen profession.”

Perhaps most interesting of all within this story is that Petro actually does fulfill the ‘stripping to pay tuition’ sex worker stereotype that so many people is untrue . The article she wrote for The Guardian lays out her motivations for working as a call girl point-blank, to the point where it makes sense that she’s angry about her termination. Makes you think about the woman who’s taking her clothes off for you in the club. Why exactly is she risking social stigma for such a job as stripper, call girl or even no-frills prostitute? What are that woman’s dreams?







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