Story by Meaghan Morawski
Photo by Sean Danaher

A typical night at the Eugene Poetry Slam, hosted every second Saturday of the month, rarely excludes talk of love, “that’s what she said” jokes, and fashion. Some members of the audience drove an hour to Eugene bookstore Tsunami Books; others flew across the country to make it. The lights are all out, save for the ones shining on whomever the current poet may be. The seats are packed and onlookers laugh happily at the strange, sometimes saucy comments of MC Jorah LaFleur.

“Welcome to the Eugene Poetry Slam season opener! I will be your host on this strange, Willy Wonka boat ride. Please keep your arms and legs inside at all times,” LaFleur says into the mic.

The crowd shouts, jokes, and cheers as the poetry slam begins, and the clamor doesn’t let up throughout the night. The poet interacts with the crowd, the crowd howls back, and a rhythmic madness ensues without pause for all three hours of the event.

The slam begins with an open mic, then a locally featured poet, and a nationally featured poet. A short intermission follows during which judges are selected and poets prepare for the second half of the slam. The same level of audience noise continues throughout the whole 15 minutes. Then the main event begins.

* * *

Slam poetry was born in 1985, the child of poetry and the genius of a construction worker named Marc Smith. Slam spent its early years in a jazz club in Chicago. On its first birthday, the new art form went from being an occasional activity to a full-blown, weekly poetry “slam” (coming from a mixture of phrasing that is used in both bridge and baseball). Decades later there are hundreds of poetry slams hosted across the United States every year.

“Slam was invented to bring people to poetry,” says poet Eliel Lucero.

Lucero, when not writing poetry or working as a DJ, bartender, musician, or as anything else available and of interest to him, spends much of his time frequenting poetry groups. This includes attending and participating in poetry slams in his native state of New York.

“New York has four different slams and the scenes are very different,” he says. “Right now, in what I’m a part of the focus is always on new shit and better shit—edit, write better, and perform well. You always have to be on top of your game and everything has to be wonderful and your metaphors have to be precise and your imagery has to be solid.”

Lucero spent early October working on a poetry tour for an anthology entitled Gape Seed, where some of his work appears. He was the Eugene Poetry Slam’s first national feature of the season. Though from the East Coast, Lucero is no stranger to the poetry slam scene of Eugene. He says that the slam at Tsunami Books is much more relaxed than he’s used to, but that he enjoys the supportive and accepting atmosphere it lends to new and returning slam poets alike.

* * *

Slam, though a graded form of poetry recitation, does not always focus on quality. Sometimes emotion wins the day.

Twenty-two year-old Samuel Kimble of Green Bay, Wisconsin, says poetry is an emotional experience for him. Kimble started writing poetry a year ago; since then he’s begun reading and sharing his work with other poets of the area. He says writing and sharing poetry can be cathartic, but it can also be a darker and more depressing form of creation.

“I don’t always feel great after I write it,” Kimble says. “Sometimes I take breaks, but I like words and always end up coming back to it.”

Even though it is nerve-wracking to perform personal poems in front a large group of people, Kimble says it’s nice to know that a slam can be a welcoming and constructive environment.

Writer, poet, and painter Jason Graham in Bend, Oregon, agrees that the performance experience can be a bit overwhelming the first few times, but that overall a slam is a great environment in which to grow.

“The slam world unto itself is a very wonderful thing,” he says. “I got into it because slams just popped up here in Bend. There’s a really strong community for poetry slams here. You get people from all walks of life and skill sets. It makes for a really rich environment.”

Graham, 28, grew up appreciating the power of words and rhymes through cultural bastions like Sesame Street, Mother Goose, and Shel Silverstein. He has done everything from winning poetry slams to running poetry slams. Graham finds that a slam can either be a great boost or a sizeable hit to one’s ego, but overall he believes that such events offer new poets a chance to improve their poetry.

“Just the ability to take something that is very true and specific to you and to present it to a group of people that you don’t really know, and to have them receive that and give you accolades or communicate that they understand where you’re coming from—that is one of the best feelings of all time, to really feel supported and understood in your work.”

Eugene Poetry Slam host Jorah LaFleur finds that the shared personal truths and feelings are what make poetry slams so rewarding. LaFleur believes that what is most empowering about slam is the fact that everyone is listening to you intently for the three-minute presentation.

“I think being able to actively utilize your voice to express something very true or important or beautiful to you is a really powerful thing for someone who has that desire for expression,” LaFleur says. “A slam creates this little canvas for people to come and paint on because you have these three minutes and you get to own them; they’re totally yours and you’re given the respect of so much silence and so much attention. I don’t think that’s an easy thing to find.”

The monthly Eugene Poetry Slam is open to all ages and LaFleur encourages people from all walks of life to come and express themselves through poetry.

“You are winning by getting up and just meeting the challenge that you’re setting for yourself. To go up and bare your soul to whatever level and in whatever way you’re going to choose to do so—I think it’s huge.”

For more on slam poetry, read our related story, Talk Therapy.

Bandest of the Bands is on Saturday, but do you know who’s playing? We sat down with our five contenders to find out more about who they are, where they come from, and why they should win.

The Longshots

There are six member of The Longshots, and listening to their music, one can see why. Their sound is rich and texture—the sort of sound one can only make with six people—with the drum pops and sax bleats that are the tonal signatures of ska. In that way, The Longshots are a throw-back to the 1980s when ska-flavored rock bands, like the Crazy 8s of Portland, dominated college radio. We asked Shane Connor, lead vocalist and instrumentalist, some questions.

How would you describe your sound?

Like most music, our sound takes root in traditional genres. We’re a blend of rock, punk, big band, ska, jazz and reggae. Lately we’ve been adding a looser “soul” element to our sound, particularly by introducing an organ. Our bass lines are complex and quick, contrary to most ska and reggae bands, and our rhythm players search for a groove. Our biggest goal on stage is to entertain, find the “pocket” in the groove, and above all, drive the beat forward.

When did you get interested in music?

Personally, I was interested in music since I can remember. Mostly everyone who has and currently plays in the Longshots attended the UO School of Music to some degree, whether they specialized in big band jazz, marching band, orchestra, etc. We’ve been together since 2008, some of us having played together since high school.

Which bands/artists most influenced you?

The Aggrolites, The Skatalites, Alton Ellis and the Flames, Eric Donaldson, The English Beat, The Specials, Rancid, Operation Ivy, A Minor Threat, Sublime, Reel Big Fish, The Toasters, Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, the list goes on…

Do you have any grand plans for Bandest?

Well, aside from maybe dressing up in the first time in our band’s career, we’re not really in it to win it. We want people who haven’t heard us before to check us out, and we also want as many people as possible to bring socks for Kevin Bronk. And if we do win that would be a cherry on top.

Sol Seed

These days, synergy seems to be a word used only by annoying, finger-snapping entertainment executives. They don’t really know what it means, so they use the word stupidly, and the world is that much poorer for it. We must, then, thank Sol Seed, for they have come to reclaim synergy. They are certainly synergetic: Their style is a medley of ’60s rock, reggae, jazz, Latin rhythm, and hip-hop, a combination that is more than simply the sum of its parts. We asked Sol Seed some questions before the Bandest of the Bands on Saturday.

How would you describe your sound?

We’ve come to call our music “Psychedelic Reggae Fusion.” It’s a mix of Reggae, Hip Hop and Psychedelic Rock with hints of Jazz, Blues, Funk, and Latin.

When did you get interested in music?

We’ve all been musicians our whole lives. Sol Seed started about two years ago and we’ve been steadily growing in members and sound.

Which bands/artists most influenced you?

Globally: Steel Pulse, Jimi Hendrix, Toots and the Maytals, The Marley Family, Slightly Stoopid, Sublime, Steve Miller Band, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Xavier Rudd, Grouch & Eligh, Atmosphere, Living Legends, Rage Against the Machine, Carlos Santana, Tower of Power, Michael Franti & Spearhead, Ben Harper, SOJA, The Movement and many more.

Locally: Frankie Hernandez, SYNRGY, Indubious, Simplistic, The T Club, Medium Troy, The Illies, Alcyon Massive, State of Jefferson and all the other local bands and artist putting out good music for the love of it.

What is your grand strategy, as it were, for Bandest?

All the bands are so badass and unique we don’t even know who we would want to vote for. Our strategy is just to have much fun as we can, bring as much energy as we can, and play the best show that we can. No matter what it’s going to be an awesome night and an amazing opportunity.

The Great Hiatum

The Great Hiatum is dance rock, which is a way of saying that they’re like regular rock with a more pronounced, groovier beat. Like the other bands competing to see which is truly the bandest, The Great Hiatum is at the intersection of a number of styles. Its members are: Melissa Randel, the lead vocalist; Keith Randel and James Aronoff playing guitar; Max Miller, bassist; and Travis Lein on the drums and synth.

How would you describe your sound?

Dance rock, with a sprinkle of jazz, punk, and flair.

When did you get interested in music?

We have been together about two years, in some conglomeration of band members. I started singing at 21, when I decided not to rely on others to provide me with music I could react to. We are all audiophiles, and have been since birth.

Which bands/artists most influenced you?

Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Florence and the Machine, Tom Petty, Arcade Fire, Janis Joplin, Cake.

What are your plans for Bandest?

As the only “rock” band, we are hoping to bring a lot of energy to our performance. Our music is something that gets people dancing and participating. We intend to leave everyone joyful, energized, and elated by the end of our set. If all else fails, I’ll get naked (just kidding).

Alder Street All Stars

The Alder Street All Stars, a five-piece band formed at Campbell Club cooperative, are musical deconstructionists. The bluegrass, folk, and country rock genres are the basis of their sound, yet they twist and tweak those reference points in a way that makes the Alder Street All Stars fresh (not something typically associated with these dusty, steadfastly traditional genres) and altogether original. On Saturday, they’ll find out if their experiments with the old school will make the Alder Street All Stars the bandest of them all.

How would you describe your sound?

We are basically an inbred twice removed cousin of bluegrass from the concrete valley.

When did you get interested in music?

About the time Michael Jackson died. We figured it was time for a new king of pop.

Which bands/artists most influenced you?

Townes Van Zandt, Devil Makes Three, Bill Monroe, Bela Fleck, Willie and Waylon and the boys, and Michael Jackson.

So, how are you going to win?

We’ll use the old tried and true recipe: Getting drunk and playing real fast.

Hot Milk

Hot Milk ain’t your grandmama’s jazz quartet! In fact, they’re probably not even your mama’s. A fusion of the modern and the old-fashioned, Hot Milk is composed of vocalist Rebecca Conner, bassist Dusty Carlson, Andy Page on the saxophone, and Susan Richardson on the drums. We talked with Carlson about the band.

How would you describe your sound?

Hot Milk is old-timey, swampy jazz with a little bit of reggae thrown in there. We like to put a modern spin on old influences.

When did you get interested in music?

It’s something I’ve always been interested in, and I went to school for it.

Which bands/artists most influenced you?

Jazz of course: really good songwriters like The Beatles, Tom Waits, Dylan. But jazz is huge…people like Charles Mingus and John Coltrane…along with older jazz like The Ink Spots.

Do you have any plans for Bandest?

We’re going to dress in camo, like we’re going into battle.

Bandest of the Bands will be held at the WOW Hall on Saturday, January 28 at 7 p.m. Learn more here.

Story by Nina KaPow

Happy spring, ducklings! Yes, it is spring, darnit. Mid-January means that season’s just around the corner, so despite all the dark clouds surrounding me I will CELEBRATE SPRING. Yes, I may be a little crazy and as sunshine-desperate as a ladybug. But I’m guessing we’re all a little desperate to romp barefoot through the grass. Or have a roll in the hay, whichever you prefer.

Send your sex and relationship questions to askruffledfeathers@gmail.com. Our next column is the unofficial Pre-Valentine’s Day Planning Week, so I’ll be happy to help with any quandaries regarding that uber-commercial holiday. I may not be a doctor or shrink, but I can bake a hell of a heart-shaped cake. 

I’ve just realized that my girlfriend lies to me. A lot. Just about small things, like who she had lunch with or what time she got home. I know this really doesn’t matter because these events don’t matter, but it still makes me feel icky. And it sounds like she just does this all the time. I’m not the only one, so to speak. What does this mean?—The Straight-Edged One

Small stuff matters a lot, Straight-Edged. As cheesy as it sounds, how a person acts in normal life indicates how they will act on the big stuff. If your girlfriend has no qualms about lying to you now, that’s an indicator that she won’t have any problem with lying to you in the future. It might indicate that she’ll have no trouble cheating on you as time goes on. That’s a scary but very real possibility.

My real advice? Confront her, but start packing your mental suitcase right now. I don’t care how long you’ve been with her. If you can’t fully trust your partner on a daily basis, there is definitely trouble afoot. In terms of what all this “means,” it means she’s not a good partner. Move on.

My boyfriend and I always spend the night with each other, which is all (mostly) good fun until we wake up and our cuddles turn into him poking me with his stiff wang. I’m usually not in any hurry to make morning whoopee—I just don’t wake up in the mood—but he begs me incessantly and I always feel bad turning him down (so to speak). Cosmopolitan magazine says chicks should just give in—what’s the harm?—but what if I would simply rather not? Should I let him use me, or should I keep resisting until (when/if) I’m equally as into it as he is?—Thanks But No Thanks

If you’d honestly rather not have sex in the morning, you have the prerogative to say no. That’s what being an independent partner in a relationship is! Ask your boyfriend if there’s another position or another time of day (afternoon delight, maybe?) that would satisfy him as much as having morning sex would. Or maybe it could be something that you throw him occasionally, just to be a good partner. Everyone has a weird freaky thing that they want most of all but only get rarely. If people who loved to have sex while tied to trees were obsessed getting only that, they would never have any partners.

Here’s the harsh part: You gotta have the strength to walk away if your boyfriend is making this a deep issue. In the grand scheme of your sex life, this shouldn’t be a big deal. If his prick keeps poking you like a Facebook stalker no matter what you say, he’s not being considerate enough of your feelings. And if he keeps bringing it up to you, that’s definitive proof that your boyfriend is an immature prick. A prick whose prick does not deserve morning sex from your lovely self.

Nina, do you believe in true love? Like in a people-meant-for-each-other kind of way? I feel like a lot of my friends believe in it more than me (I’m trying to be realistic about love). But I’ve grown up thinking about it a lot, and I’m just really confused. Do you believe it can happen?—Prince Seeks Princess

Yes! No! Aw, fuck.

This is the quandary of Western civilization, Mr. Prince, particularly of American twenty-somethings. We’ve grown up around the boom of Disney movies, teen soaps, and romantic comedies which have all comprised a kind of True Love Paradigm. This means that a lot of people in their 20s (women in particular) walk around  looking for the One and Only. Even if they end up being completely cynical and intellectual, there’s always that culturally-induced wondering about the One maybe being out there somewhere.

But what are you to do, Prince? I’d say that you should live as if there was a One out there for you (meaning don’t sleep with a nasty piece of ass because you feel you’ll never have anything awesome or pure or good). But don’t live as a monk/nun who idealizes the perfect person out there that they haven’t yet met. Date around! Even if they don’t end up being the One, you could end up denying yourself great opportunities to grow by not being with other people. And that, my friend, is the way to make sure that you don’t find the One (if there is indeed someone assigned to you in the lesson plan of the cosmos).

I’ve always wanted to have an orgasm at the same time as my boyfriend (I’m a girl). But only one of my friends has ever had one with her partner—I have no idea how to do it!!! Any suggestions?—Want To Feel The Earth Move

Wow, ambitious padawan you are.

Simultaneous orgasms are an extremely rare thing, Earth. If you really want to have one with your partner, it’s going to have to be a team effort. You gotta train your bodies to know each other, to be intuitive to what’s happening. And perhaps most important, you have to fuck each other a lot. You gotta be all synced up , honey. That means feeling emotionally safe with each other as well as physically informed. That way you know how to calm him down if his pleasure is coming at a faster pace, or he’ll know how to titillate you just right to send you over the edge with him. So go play and explore!

What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: What is rape? Baby, don’t hurt me no more—the federal definition of rape has officially expanded to include more far-reaching possibilities, according to the Huffington Post (and many other news outlets besides). One example of these changes? Men and children can now be victims of rape under federal law. You can also be considered a victim if you couldn’t fight for yourself at the time of the incident (say if you were too young, or were under the influence of drugs). But the Huffington Post points out that in many ways, this is just the federal government changing itself to reflect what a lot of state governments have already had in place for a while. So thank you, federal government, for finally catching up to the rest of us.

The dictionary defines a volunteer as being a person who freely offers to take part in an enterprise or undertake a task.

What the definition fails to mention is the feeling that accompanies performing such an enterprise or task. Volunteering provides students with not only new activities to put on their resumes, but also with a feeling of pride, ownership and belonging to a community that many are living in for the first time.

University of Oregon students looking for opportunities to give back to the community have a plethora of option. From helping animals and playing with children to saving the local flora, the Eugene area has a volunteer activity for everyone.

UO’s Service Learning Program
With so many alternatives, a great place to start the search for your perfect volunteer fit is right here on campus. The Service Learning Program has volunteer opportunities locally, nationally and internationally. Many UO students volunteered for the SLP’s MLK Jr. Day of Service. If you want to get your hands dirty, the habitat enhancement projects are for you. SLP also offers for-credit seminars, which include 30 hours of community service. Volunteer AND get course credit!

For more information:  http://serve.uoregon.edu/Students.aspx

Womenspace
Volunteers at Womenspace support the organization’s mission of domestic violence prevention through a myriad of services. Some of these include working with clients, answering phones for the crisis line and volunteering for support groups, LGTBQ outreach and community events.

For more information call (541) 485-8232 or email info@womenspaceinc.org

Food for Lane County
No matter how crazy your schedule is this term, Food for Lane County can accommodate it. Although much of their volunteer activity occurs during the week, weekend events and activities in the evening, such as the Family Dinner, allow for early birds and night owls alike.

Green thumbs are always welcome at the Grassroot Gardens where volunteers harvest and package veggies while learning nutrition and gardening skills.

For information contact Sheyla Norte at (541) 343-2822, e-mail volunteer@foodforlanecounty.org, or visit their website at http://www.foodforlanecounty.org/en/how_to_help/volunteer/.

Boys and Girls Club of Western Lane County
Do you enjoy working with at-risk youth? Then being a “big-sister” or “big-brother” might be the volunteer activity you are looking for. The Westmoreland location reopened on January 4^th, 2012. It is the perfect time to give them a call.

For more information call (541) 345-9939 or visit their website at http://bgcev.net/contact.asp.

Head Start of Lane County:
HSOLC has many great volunteer opportunities including helping in the classroom and playground, translating for ELL students and their parents, going on field trips and helping run events. HSOLC provides much needed developmental and educational services to “pregnant moms, babies, toddlers, preschoolers and their families, who live in poverty and struggle to meet the basic needs of life.”

For more information call (541) 747-2425 or visit their website at http://www.hsolc.org/volunteers.

Eugene Marathon
Have you always wanted to be in a marathon, but want to do it without having to do all that running stuff? Volunteer! Eugene Marathon 2012 (April 28 and 29) needs volunteers for event preparation, the Health & Fitness Expo and race day itself.

Volunteers receive an official t-shirt and can forever brag about “running” a marathon.

For more information visit their website at http://www.eugenemarathon.com/volunteer/.

Willamalane Park and Recreation District in Springfield
Volunteer activities range from entertaining with children at the Kids Club or in elementary school rooms to special events, outdoor concerts and helping at the Teen Center.

Many UO students volunteered for the Willamalane Park and Recreation District on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. They played with mentally disabled children and planted trees and and plants to improve habitat in the Whilamut Natural Area of Alton Baker Park.

For information on volunteering call Ashlee Dixon at (541) 736-4520 or visit their website at http://willamalane.org.

City of Eugene

Parks and Open Space
Want to volunteer and get some exercise? Need some fresh air? City of Eugene has several volunteer programs that will cure your winter malaise. Volunteers for the City plant street trees, work on park projects, help restore and care for the city’s streams and waterways and maintain the trails and gardens at Hendricks Park.

For more information visit their website at http://www.eugene-or.gov/portal/server.pt?space=CommunityPage&control=SetCommunity&CommunityID=319&PageID=3780.

Library
Are you a bookworm in AND out of class? Do your bookshelves sag under the weight of tattered, well-read classics? Volunteers at the library get to share their love of books with others. From working with youth, clerking at the library’s used book store or welcoming people at the Information Desk, the library could use your help.

If you would like to volunteer, the library asks that you first fill out an application form at the Information Desk at the Downtown Library, or at the Bethel or Sheldon Branch Library. The volunteer coordinator will then contact applicants as new openings come available.

For more information call the volunteer coordinator at (541) 682-6617 or e-mail libraryvolunteercoordinator@ci.eugene.or.us.

Eugene Police Department
It might seem strange to volunteer for the local police force and then attend a fraternity party on Saturday night, but the two need not be mutually exclusive. The EPD welcomes anyone who desires to volunteer for Eugene Police Department’s Volunteers in Policing Program. As the EPD’s website points out, “When citizens [that includes us!] who receive police services are helping to design, prioritize, and even deliver services, a closer connection is made between the Police Department and the public.”

For more information contact Carrie Chouinard by phone (541) 682-5355 or e-mail Carrie.f.chouinard@ci.eugene.or.us; or visit their website at http://www.eugene-or.gov/.

Lane Blood Center
We all need blood to survive. But, most of us who are healthy can afford to give up a pint or two every two months. Blood reserves consistently fall under the daily requirement. Giving blood is easy and quick and it can save someone’s life.

For more information call (541) 484-9111 or email donate@laneblood.org. Or, volunteer on campus for the UO Blood Drive Association at e-mail uobda@uoregon.edu.

Humane Society
Did you leave your furry friend behind this year? Want a kitty or puppy but your RA won’t allow it? The Humane Society provides you with the perfect solution. Help homeless canines and felines find their forever homes while getting your cuddle-fix.

To find local opportunities go to: http://www.volunteermatch.org/, use keyword “animal” and your city or zip code.

NextStep Recycling
Volunteering at NextStep is perfect for the computer savvy. Volunteers refurbish and recycle computers which aid in NextStep’s mission of “Providing technology and training to children and adults who have barriers to employment and education, while protecting our environment and community from hazardous waste.”

For more information contact Jennifer McAuley at (541) 686-2366 ext. 117

Additional Volunteer Organizations

Senior and Disabled Services: (541) 682-4038, sds@lcog.org, http://www.sdslane.org/volunteer.html.

Eugene Symphony: http://www.eugenesymphony.org/support/volunteer-opportunities/.

ACLU: http://aclu-or.org/volunteer or email info@aclu-or.org.

This is by no means a comprehensive list. If you do not see something here that you want to do, I encourage you to surf the web, talk to your friends and professors or create your own!

Story and Photos by Bre Cruickshank

They say food is the one true way to a man’s heart; and it’s true – at least that’s what my boyfriend told me over scrambled eggs this morning. I love cooking, but I haven’t always been a whiz with food. When I started college my freshman year, you could pretty much count on me burning your eggs for breakfast or, in bouts of culinary exploration, exploding boiling homemade tomato soup all over the kitchen from my resistant (and rightfully so) blender.

So what’s changed? Not a lot. I just stuck with it. Cooking is all about experience. Once you find your niche, you can create your own mouth-watering masterpieces and simply rely on your senses to tell you what to do. I know this is true, because I saw it in the Disney movie Ratatouille:

“Anyone can cook!”

I focus on creating simple, fresh, and healthy dishes that are mainly vegetarian or pescetarian. If you are a meat-eater, simply add some shrimp or sausage to this dish while you sauté; both options work well. This meal is easy to make (done in about 15 minutes), impressive, and more than capable of charming your boyfriend or girlfriend into stupor. Enjoy!

Zucchini Spaghetti with Goat Cheese

(Serves 2) 

INGREDIENTS

• Spaghetti noodles (whole wheat is best)
• 2 zucchinis
• ½ cup sundried tomatoes
• ½ cup walnuts, chopped
• 10-15 large kalamata olives, pitted and chopped
• 1-2 garlic cloves, minced
• Salt & pepper to taste
• 2 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil
• 1.5 tsp lemon juice
• ¼ cup fresh basil leaves
• Goat cheese, crumbled (to taste)

1. Bring water to a boil for noodles, cook until desired tenderness (usually around 10 minutes)
2. Put 1 tbsp olive oil into skillet with minced garlic, walnuts, sundried tomatoes and chopped zucchini on low heat for about 4 minutes; stir throughout
3. When done, combine in mixing bowl with strained noodles
4. Add ½  tbsp of olive oil, lemon juice, fresh basil leaves, salt & pepper to taste
5. Mix delicately until well combined
6. Transfer to serving plate and crumble goat cheese over top

Story by Dash Paulson
Photos by Emily Carino

The Willamette Valley Sustainable Food Alliance (SFA) hosted their annual Fun with Fermentation workshop last Saturday, January 14^th. The event was a mix of workshop, science fair, and farmers market, with an array of fermented foods available to sample.

Booths upstairs promoted a diverse range of food and treats, with local businesses offering chocolate goodies, fair-trade coffee, fermented tea, organic sauerkraut and sourdough waffles to name a few.

Downstairs, underneath a canopy of warm lights, representatives from the local breweries Oakshire, Ninkasi, Hop Valley, and Falling Sky were happily handing out 2 oz. samples of their newest brews and best sellers.

Now in its third year, the event is all-volunteer, with proceeds and donations going to the non-profit Food for Lane County. In addition to charity, the event was also a chance for local businesses to build direct relationships with their customers.

“We are trying to educate the community about fermented foods and connect the community with local producers, distributors and retailers.” Said Kylie Christenson, President of the Board for SFA. Christenson proudly claimed that everyone volunteering is a local from Lane County and one person from Ashland. The event is paid for with member dues and donations. Her passion for the event and what it represents is a common sentiment in the SFA.

Linda Shumate of PremRose Edibles LLC sells organic handmade chocolates, including rose petal infused truffles, coconut Laddus, and “rose petal sauce,” a sweet concoction similar in consistency to Nutella, but better.

“A little well-placed sugar is better than too much!” she said enthusiastically, dishing out treat after treat to attendees.

Shumate is thrilled to have a chance to meet new customers and give them a taste of her confections. The fairly constant crowd around her booth hinted that she may have a lot of new business soon. Visitors to Shumate’s booth were surprised to learn that chocolate, along with most of the other food available here today, shares a process assoiciated with the beer on tap downstairs: fermentation.

Fermentation is the conversion of sugars into alcohol by yeast or bacteria. Fermented foods are often advertized as being healthy and nutritious. Many carry probiotics, bacteria that are beneficial to the human gut and necessary for good digestion.

“I think if everyone ate food like this and had probiotics in their diet we wouldn’t have a health care crisis in this country,” said John Kalik, one of the owners of Sweet Water Farm and Nursery and the man behind the first Fun With Fermentation event three years ago. Unfortunately, beer does not have a healthy dose of probiotics, just ethanol.

A self-described second generation Czechoslovakian, Kalik and his associates have set up a sauerkraut sampling booth here.  Kalik believes his food does more than fill a local niche.

“Cultured food is such an important part of the diet. Not many people realize how much fermentation is involved in their lives,” said Kalik.

With a jostling crowd and sauerkraut samples being scooped up as fast they’re put down, Kalik is optimistic about the success of Fun With Fermentation: “I’m happy. This is our third year and we raise a lot of money for Food for Lane County.”

Glossy multimedia displays are featured near each booth, promoting the local history and quality produce of the local producers. Business cards are given out as freely as the samples. The effect is that these farmers and cooks might seem quaint and local from a distance, but closer inspection reveals serious business operations.  Customers are impressed by the spirit and the passion of the event.

“One reason I moved to Eugene was because of the local produce, the sustainability, the green and the nature opportunities,” said Barry Klein, who was attending the event out of curiosity. “I want to go up to the farmer and talk to them about how the food was grown and where it came from.”  He’s in the right place today.

Story and Photos by Emily Carino

Winter term has begun, and, just like at the beginning of every new quarter, you might be feeling a little bit of a panic. After all, you have all-new classes, all-new classmates, and an entirely different schedule. That could disorient anyone! But never fear–we’ve got some advice to help smooth the transition and make winter term just as great–or better than–fall term.

1. Your class syllabus is your Bible. Without it, there is a good chance you’ll have a ten-week-long headache. You walk into class like it is any other Wednesday but realize there is a quiz today, which happens to be worth 25% of your grade. Want sympathy from your teacher when you say you didn’t know the quiz was today? Most likely response you’ll get is, “Well, it was on the syllabus.”
2. Get to class. Even if you decide to sit there like a zombie, being physically present allows your brain to still obtain any information given. You never know, it could be your lucky day! For example, to reward you and the other students for attending lecture, your teacher may reveal the extra credit answer for the upcoming midterm.
3. Don’t forget “Thirsty Thursday” is a part of the weekend only in the minds of college students, not your professors. Showing up for Friday class is just as important as making an appearance in Monday’s class.
4. Despite the winter weather that is upon us this quarter, bundle up and get outside! Go on a bike ride into the sunshine, or walk to a local park with friends. It is a fantastic way to de-stress. Just walking distance from campus, you can stroll through downtown and see Eugene’s various shops. Or make your way to Hendricks Park and meander through some of the Northwest’s loveliest trees.
5. Can’t bring yourself to go out in the frigid cold? Find your inner couch potato and use the time inside to catch up or get ahead on class readings.
6. Use campus cash! Load up your University of Oregon ID card inside the EMU at the beginning of the quarter and you’ll be prepared for any future last minute or spontaneous food purchases.
7. Get to office hours. You’d be surprised how beneficial it is for you to spend even just a few minutes with your teacher or GTF. Developing any type of relationship will help put a face to your name as they skim through their grade book.
8. Do not procrastinate. There is a reason why you are told this too many times than you’d like to hear. It’s the beginning of the term again, and you’ve got another shot at being on top of your work from the start. Procrastination kills…your grades, that is.
9. Go see your advisor at least once this quarter. Come senior year, you don’t want to find out you’re a few credits to short of graduating. Those additional thousands of dollars could have stayed in your pocket if you went and visited your advisor just a few more times.
10. Breathe! In addition to students, we are also human beings. Have a little fun. For as much money and time we invest in school, it makes sense why we may treat a test or project as if it’s do or die. Don’t! Even the toughest exam isn’t going to literally kill you. Shocker, huh?

Story by Bre Cruickshank
Illustration by Anna Connolly

It may be hard to believe that there exists a land of plentiful palm trees, water so blue it rivals Bradley Cooper’s eyes, and seemingly unlimited rum, but alas, it does. It is St. Croix, of the U.S. Virgin Islands, where I was fortunate enough to spend my leisurely Christmas break with my family. It was my third trip to my favorite Caribbean Island and it was definitely the most memorable. Granted, I haven’t traveled to any other Caribbean islands, but I’m quite certain St. Croix has the most to offer, since it is the headquarters of Cruzan Rum and peacocks roam freely around the yards of not-so-delighted islanders. In fact, there are plenty of exciting animal run-ins to have on the island. From the stray cows crossing the street to the millions of mongoose who were imported to the island to get rid of the rats, St. Croix has it all.

I stayed with my aunt and uncle who live on the island for half of the year in Cotton Valley, on the east end. Surprisingly, there used to be a lot of cotton farms in the area. St. Croix is the most beautiful place I have ever visited. The sky was so clear during my stay; I got confused sometimes since I am from Oregon and the sky I am most familiar with is a dusty gray with rain drops dripping from it. The flowers were bright and vibrant and palm trees, heavy with ripe coconuts, were scattered everywhere I looked. The water seemed to sparkle; every fifteen minutes I had to stop and remind myself that I was not in a Disney movie. That is how absolutely gorgeous St. Croix is.

The second day of vacation was my mom’s birthday. She was born half fish, so to celebrate our arrival in the Caribbean my sister and I joined her for a swim in the sea. After hyperventilating about all the possible ways we could get eaten by sharks or stung by eels, we flung ourselves into the ocean and were instantly shocked by how welcoming the water was. If you have ever felt the complete numbness that results from a dip at the Oregon Coast, you would understand how intoxicating this was. Of course, such ecstasy can only be short lived. My sister ended up with a gash on her knee from hitting a rock and after much speculation about my increasingly pink and inflamed foot (not to be mistaken with my normal feet, which are simply inflamed in size), we determined that I was stung by a jelly fish. Upon this discovery, the pain in my foot got about five times worse, then seized completely when I realized how incredibly cool it was that I would live through being stung by a venomous Caribbean jelly fish. I chose to neglect the fact that the worst harm they can inflict is a mild stinging for a couple of hours (to be cured with vinegar and Benadryl).

Other exciting aspects of my Cruzan vacation included swinging a machete around, eating snails, and discovering a treasure chest full of gold. As for the machete, a local gardener that works for my aunt and uncle was retrieving dozens of coconuts from the trees around the yard one day to cut them open for the meat and water inside. After being dazzled by his immaculate coconut-cutting skills, I decided to give it a try myself. Anyone that knows me knows that I have really large and imposing muscles for a girl, so I figured this would be no problem considering my frame. However, it turned out to be pretty difficult. I had to hack away for about fifteen minutes to finally break the coconut open. But it was so worth it. Spooning out fresh coconut meat in the morning was one of the best memories I have from any vacation.

At this point in the trip, my skin color has changed from sickly “wish-I-had-the-vampire-excuse” pale to remotely human, I had enjoyed night after night of expensive wines with my relatives and friends (the drinking age is eighteen in St. Croix, I should mention. Or should I…), and had impressed myself by trying weird, foreign seafood. This trip was amazing! One day, just when I thought things couldn’t get any better, they did! Through some contacts on the island, we discovered that the big, beautiful house next to ours had been rented out for the holidays by none other than the vice president, Joe Biden and his family! Unfortunately, the closest I got to meeting Joe and his family was my daring swims to shore where I was stalked by suspicious secret service agents who had formerly been hiding in the shrubbery by the house. One of my friends on the island was lucky enough to be in the same vicinity as Mr. Biden though, at New Year’s mass, where the priest proceeded to call him “John” in front of the congregation. This does not surprise me in the least.

All in all, the vacation was a success. We enjoyed hikes along the beach where we found little shacks built out of drift would to accommodate me and my sister in the future, long dinners spent with friends and family and most importantly vino (as well as other incomprehensible wines that looked and tasted more expensive than my usual Barefoot), and the reassurance that in spite of my barbaric Scottish ancestry, I was actually capable of getting some color, no matter how minimal.

Story by Nina KaPow

Go ahead and say it: You’re glad to be back from vacation. Sure, working toward exams for eternity isn’t fun. But endless staring at the wall, endless time surfing the Internet and spending endless amounts of time with your family and high school friends? Fuck. That. Shit. Do me a favor, readers: Challenge your brain now that you’re back. Play chess. Follow a news RSS feed. Ask why someone you know believes what they do, and listen to their answers. Don’t let the brain drain continue. Remember what your horny-but-wise grandpa told you: Have sex with an idiot and you’ll be satisfied for a night. Have sex with a smart person and you’ll be satisfied having breakfast with him or her too.

Send your sex and relationship questions to askruffledfeathers@gmail.com. I’m not a counselor or doctor, but I do know plenty of dirty Internet memes.

My girlfriend’s a really girly girl, and I’m not. I really like her and I’m enjoying having her as a girlfriend. But it’s getting a bit much—I don’t want to look like one of those lesbian couples where one of us is the “guy” and one of us is the “girl.” She wears dresses and pink all the time, and I wear pants and black. That’s exactly what I want to avoid. Is there a way to avoid this from happening? —I’m Not That Guy

Not That Guy, you gotta think outside the box on this one. Sure, there have been many lesbian couples where one person is the “guy,” but unconventional gender roles hasn’t existed solely with lesbian couples. Think of how perspectives regarding straight couples have shifted over the last few years thanks to the shifting economy. A lot of guys no longer feel like the “guy” in their relationship, since their partners may have jobs when they don’t.

But there’s something both you and the guys in the example are forgetting: Thanks to the economy and various breakthroughs with gay marriage rights, there’s an enormous gaping hole where traditional gender roles used to be. All you truly have to do is be yourself, Not That Guy. It doesn’t matter at all what you end up looking like-even if you end up looking like a traditional straight couple. And if you do, you can always make fun of that fact, make it a joke within your relationship that brings you closer. 

I just started dating an overweight girl, totally sexy as hell. I don’t have a problem with her weight at all-she’s confident in herself, and just gets me so turned on like I’ve never been with a skinnier girl. But the problem isn’t her-it’s my friends. They’re all being dicks to me about dating a “fat girl,” as opposed to a skinny, “hot” one. I’m completely shocked they’re being like this. But they’re making all these fat jokes behind her back. I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not going to stop seeing her, but my friends won’t stop making jokes. How do I get my friends to stop making fun of her? —Not Being A Bro

News flash, Bro: Your friends are being total assholes. Their perspectives are probably being shattered because they’ve been taught that only skinny girls are pretty or sexually satisfying. “Fat girls” are probably barely on their radar in daily life, so you’re probably slumming it in their eyes.

The best way to get them to stop making fun of your girlfriend is to simply ignore them. Ignore them and enjoy the hell out of your girlfriend. You might even be able to give the classic bro response: “Dude, I don’t care what you say. I’m getting awesome pussy.” 

I just found out something really horrifying while I was at home (thanks to my dad having too much alcohol when I was hanging out with him): My dad had an affair a few years ago. And apparently my mom found out about it later. There was a huge fight about it, but they stayed together.

I can’t see my dad the same way anymore, Nina. He doesn’t know I know, and it’s just killing me. What do I do now that I know? How can I face him again when I go home for spring break? —Not the End of the Affair

Affair, there’s a lot of time between now and spring break. Before you do anything, realize that you don’t know how you’re going to feel at that time. Let yourself be free to feel however you feel at that point.

That being said, that is a very devastating thing to find out, especially because you can’t really talk about it with anyone in your family. I suggest you find someone that you can talk about it with though, or else you’ll explode. Give yourself time to process this fully. You probably will be able to face your dad again after a space of time apart. You didn’t grow up with the image of him as an adulterer, after all. But please, take some time and talk with a counselor or an adult who’s had experience with adultery in some way. It’s a hard thing for a kid to handle at any age.

Okay, this is a weird one: My boyfriend just told me he has a fetish for balloons. Like balloons you find at a birthday party! He says that he would get off so much if he watched me hump a full balloon until it popped. What the hell?! What the hell is that? —No Popping, Please

It’s just a fetish, Popping. Calm the fuck down, please.

Your boyfriend probably had an early erotic experience with balloons—popping a balloon with an erection, having one pop in his face while seeing a pretty girl, etc. The fact that he wants you to hump a balloon might mean that he wants you to emulate some girl he was attracted to once upon a time. That’s a compliment Popping, not an insult! And you can absolutely warm up to the act he wants you to do at some point—you just have to start small. Try touching yourself with stretched-out condoms, then maybe smaller balloons. But above all, Popping, don’t make your boyfriend feel like a freak. His fetish is uncommon, yes, but it’s not completely unheard of. He isn’t asking you to hump a beaver while it bites your bum. This is something you can do if you train over time. And it may even expand your own sexual personality.

What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: Failure for the fetish community or victory for health advocates? Donna Simpson, a well-known star of the “feeder” fetish community and a Guinness world record holder for being the heaviest woman ever to give birth, has decided to lose weight. She will be leaving behind a career of fetish stardom—at one point, Simpson earned $90,000 annually from people paying to watch her eat (not to mention all the people who bought her food). What changed Simpson’s mind? Heartbreak. After breaking up with fiancee Phillippe Gouamba (who fathered the daughter she gave birth to at a record-breaking 532 lbs.), Simpson decided that it would be best to take off weight so life would be easier on her and her children. The end of an era, indeed. But you gotta love how this lady’s translating her breakup energy, at least.

Story by Jacob O’Gara

In October 2010, The Onion, America’s self-proclaimed finest satirical news source, ran this headline: “Historians Admit To Inventing Ancient Greeks.” The (again, satirical) piece reports that a clique of historians have fessed up to inventing the entirety of Greek civilization out of whole cloth. One historian complains about how difficult it was to write The Iliad. Another is frustrated that she was “stuck in Athens all summer building a goddamn Parthenon.” The reason given for this vast and intricate hoax: “Scholars realized they had no idea what had actually happened in Europe during the 800-year period before the Christian era.”

According to Garry Kasparov, the chess grandmaster who in 1997 famously played against the Deep Blue computer and lost, scholars really don’t have any idea what actually happened eight centuries ago. That is, except for one man: Anatoly Fomenko, a Russian mathematician and professor at Moscow State University (MSU) who Kasparov met in the mid-1990s and has been an energetic champion of ever since. Fomenko is the author of seven rather weighty volumes provocatively titled History: Fiction or Science? that put forth his theory of New Chronology. “New” because according to Fomenko, the “old,” or current, chronology that most everyone agrees on is a misrepresentation, a distortion, a lie. When one reads Fomenko’s theories, the first question that reasonably comes to mind is: Wait, what? The second question: What if he’s right?

The logic behind New Chronology is a little complicated. And since it took Fomenko seven books and over 4,000 pages to spell it all out, an explanation here won’t fully do the theory justice. Weaving together historical analysis, statistical correlations, astronomy, astrology, and a straightforward dismissal of accepted archaeological dating methods, Fomenko has concluded that history is much shorter—at least 1,000 years shorter—than we think.

This revised, truncated chronology comes with a raft of peculiar assertions: Jesus Christ was likely modeled after a reformist Byzantine emperor who ruled during the late 1100s AD. The legend of King Arthur, a tale proudly ensconced in British lore, is based on the exploits of a Russian prince. The supposedly ancient statues of Greece and Rome were actually cast during the Renaissance, presumably by the same clergymen and artisans who fabricated the histories of Greece, Rome, and Egypt. While these fabulists were busy weaving complicated tales about pyramids and madmen in togas and 300 Spartans, they also apparently had enough spare time to cook the books of Russian history in favor of the Romanov family, for some reason Fomenko doesn’t address.

To some, New Chronology is a dizzying blur of claims and counterclaims, building up to that last, satisfying “It all comes together!” moment. To others, it sounds downright bonkers. Fortunately for Fomenko, his bank account, and maybe—just maybe—the cause of truth and knowledge, plenty of Russians have reached that eureka moment.

Over 1 million copies of History: Fiction or Science? have been sold in Russia, a country that, in its present form, is about as old as the average college sophomore. Previously Russia was part of the Soviet Union, a revolutionary and totalitarian system whose founders upended a more than 350-year-old monarchy and attempted to replace it with an entirely new society governed and populated by an entirely new sort of person, described as Communist “supermen.” For a while it seemed as though they succeeded, but on Christmas Day 1991, their experiment collapsed and millions of people faced a kind of national identity crisis. Generations had lived as brother and sister citizens of the Soviet Union. What now did it mean to be a Russian?

For those Russians who feel that they’re living in an existential vacuum, Fomenko’s New Chronology offers a sense of identity. New Chronology reconfigures world history in a way that places Russia in the middle of things—both as a dominant presence and as a victim. The Fomenko ideology is popular because it makes Russia important, and because, as one academic put it, New Chronology “keep[s] alive an imperial consciousness and secular messianism” during chaotic and insecure times. Fomenko is in the nostalgia business, and as anyone who’s sighed longingly while watching Dazed and Confused or Hot Tub Time Machine knows, nostalgia has a powerful allure.

Many others, however, dismiss New Chronology as pure hokum. One naysayer, a prominent archaeologist from Russia named Valentin Yanin, once likened Fomenko to the magician David Copperfield and scorned New Chronology as “sleight-of-hand trickery.” Yanin made his accusation during a 1999 round-table conference on “The ‘Myths’ of New Chronology,” led by the dean of the history department of MSU, where Fomenko also works. It should be noted here that MSU was founded in the eighteenth century by a Russian scientist and amateur historian called Mikhail Lomonosov, known in many a modern academic circle as having approached history with a patriotic zeal, often exaggerating or downplaying certain aspects of the historical record to benefit his motherland. That being said, he never went as far as Fomenko.

According to cultural critic Gore Vidal, history is just “gossip about the past,” while Oscar Wilde once wrote that history is something only a great man can write. Perhaps Fomenko sees himself as a great gossip. History is filled with such characters, people who distort or falsify the story of our time here on Earth for a variety of causes. There is website after website listing quotes by famous people about why it’s a good idea to keep that story as accurate as possible. History, after all, doesn’t belong to us. We belong to it.

Maybe Fomenko does see himself as a true historian, doing his best and most honest job to hold a mirror to the past. According to him, though, objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.