Ruffled Feathers #22
Holy goodness, the term’s almost over already. Where did the time go, folks? (Into the black hole that is the Knight Library, we all groan…) But it’ll be Spring Break before we know it, thank goodness. We’ll finally be able to make out on the quad in sundresses and shorts with flowers in our hair again. Like Oregonians in a hippie town were meant to do!
Send your sex and relationship questions to email@example.com. They won’t be answered by a doctor or a therapist, but I do have a method for getting grass stains off the backs of jeans. And cotton shorts. And black denim. And…. Look, I just know, okay?
Hey Nina. I’m about to go study abroad for six months over in Mexico, and I think I want to break up with my girlfriend for just that time. Like just date whoever and have sex with whoever we each want. I just think it’d be best for each of us-no messiness for her and no holding back for me. But I brought up the idea to her, and she’s not into it. She thinks we can make it for that amount of time-we’ve already been dating for a year and a half. Who’s right, me or her?—Traveling Man
Dude, how invested in this relationship are you if you’re willing to just pitch it for six months while you’re abroad? Granted, for a lot of couples a break is necessary if one of them is going abroad and they stil want to date around. But usually this happens if someone is going abroad and they’ve just started to date, way before they’ve established the bond that occurs between two people in a long-term situation. Like the one you and your girlfriend supposedly have.
The trigger that something is a little off here with you is that your girlfriend seems to think you two can make it. She’s obviously more invested in this relationship than you are, which doesn’t make her more “right” but is certainly an indicator that you’re not on the same page with her. Have an honest discussion with yourself, and then with her, about whether or not you really want to stay with this person. Stringing someone along from a continent away is the epitome of being a jerk, and it seems you’re at a dangerous risk of doing that.
So my girlfriend has told me that she has a foot fetish. Like if she ever wants to get turned on, she literally looks at guys’ feet. She even looks at feet porn, says that it just turns her on like nothing else. I have to be honest: I’m freaked out. Of course, I didn’t tell her that I was, but I haven’t mentioned it since she brought it up. I’m just so weirded out, how can anyone really like feet? How do I handle this? Should I even stay with her if this grosses me out?—No Thanks, I Like Shoes
Shoes, feet are the most common body part for people to develop a fetish throughout the duration of their sex life. I guarantee, you’ve met another foot fetishist in your life and didn’t know that they were one. Casanova was one. So was Elvis Presley. People who are sexually turned on by viewing feet have different wiring in their brains than people who aren’t. Just like people who like butts as opposed to boobs. It’s the same thing.
The choice of whether or not you stay with this girl is up to you, but you need to understand that part of being in an adult relationship is acknowledging that sometimes there will things about your partner you just don’t get. You don’t have to fully understand or identify with her fetish in order to be with her. If you never ever like feet at all, that’s fine. But under no circumstances should you make your partner feel like a freak for liking them just because you don’t. Her urges are uncommon, but not holy-shit freaky. If you treat her like she is indeed a freak (as your language suggests you may be doing, at least in your head), I hope she leaves your ass for someone who gets regular pedicures.
I’m planning on having sex with my boyfriend eventually, but something’s getting in the way. I’ve never had vaginal sex, but I have been eaten out by a guy and have also given a guy a blow job. Does that mean I’m still a virgin? I think it does, but my boyfriend doesn’t think so. He’s fine if I’m a virgin or not, but we’re actually starting to argue about this definition. What do you think-am I a virgin or not? —Questioning My Vagina
Honey, your definition of virginity is 100% up to you. If you define it by having missionary-position with penetration, good. If you define it by blowing a guy until he comes in your mouth, okay. Right now, society is drastically redefining what virginity means (I’m talking about female virginity here, just because that’s usually the more hotly contested in Western societies than male virginity. Lucky dudes). The discovery that some women’s hymens may not break upon first intercourse (or before the act entirely, like if they ride bikes frequently) has robbed us of the classical virginity indicator. This is both a good and bad thing, but in any case American society is now scrambling for a new virginity indicator. Just “popping someone’s cherry” likely isn’t going to cut it in the future.
Here’s the viewpoint I’m in favor of, and I think you’ll find it comforting: Virginity is a group of events, not just one. Sure, you may have had oral sex before, but as far as penetrative sex goes, you’re still a virgin. You didn’t mention being penetrated by fingers or objects, so it’s possible you could be a virgin in that regard too. So have a think abut how you feel inside, and consider the category approach I’ve proposed. Like Madonna sang, it’s possible to feel like a virgin even if the world says you’re not. What matters is how you see yourself.
Nina, I’m one of those guys that loves having anal sex with my girlfriend. Like a lot. It’s my favorite thing to do. But my girlfriend wants to now do anal sex to me, like with a dildo or something. So freaky!! What do I say to her to talk her out of it? —Hell No, I Won’t Go
You say, “Thank you honey, for offering to give me the greatest hidden pleasure a heterosexual man can ever experience.”
You gotta ease up, kid. Just give it a try! This is usually a rarely-serviced area for men, and it’s where a lot of the pleasure-inducing glands hang out, too. Some men get orgasms from a single touch to the inner anus! And more than that, maybe doing this act will allow you to better understand what it must be like for your girlfriend to have anal sex with you. It could be a wonderful learning experience, one that could help you up your game when it’s your turn.
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: Golshifteh Farahani, an Iranian actress famous to Americans for her role in Body of Lies, recently did a nude photo shoot for the French magazine Madame Le Figaro. More than that, Farahani also appeared completely naked in a film made for a French film academy. I know all the Americans in the room are saying “Who cares?” (we’re the country that ran a shot of a nude, pregnant Demi Moore on our magazine covers, after all). But trust me, Iran is freakng out over Farahani’s decision to pose nude. People are praising her for her bold artistic actions as well as chastising her for being “irresponsible” for courting the possibility of real backlash from the Islamist Iranian government. Farahani is an icon, after all-she was the first Iranian to star in a film made in the West (opposite Mr. DiCaprio, no less). No matter what happens, this lady’s future actions (and the reactions to those actions) are going to be watched very closely in her home country. It really drives the point home-only the truly daring go a-baring.